For those of you that know me, I’m a bit of a show-off. Not necessarily in a big way, but there’s no doubt that I’m trying to get someone’s attention in just about every setting. I caught myself in this mindset in the middle of worship Sunday. I tried to suppress it, but I couldn’t let it go. So, once the sermon began, I took my mark and started off down the rabbit hole of this new rediscovery. This post is about where that rabbit hole took me and the question we all have to answer at some point or another.
The Day the Bomb Dropped
The day the first bomb (that I can remember) dropped on my soul was somewhere around the age of three or four. I’d lied about something trivial, but out of fear of my obviously displeased father, I’d tried to placate him the quickest and simplest way my little brain knew how. I lied and I lied and I lied. I lied through my teeth; I lied to his face. While I don’t remember much of the build up, I do remember the punch line and to this day it’s haunted me like an ever-present specter of the soul. My recollection of this event ends with the words “I’m disappointed in you.” Right then and there, the war for my soul began. And I was completely unaware.
Ever since, I’ve had please, had to earn my keep, had to prove my worth. Every interaction is fraught with this grave insecurity. Every word is dripping with this fear of inadequacy. My life has been characterized by nothing more than a fear of rejection and failure. And on Sunday, when the the question was asked as my head was spinning, the words sliced through the years of painful silence like a surgeon’s knife: “Do you remember that first hurt, the first time you were told you were a disappointment, incapable, not enough?” (or something like that.) It was at that moment I saw myself, twenty years younger, trapped inside wanting only to be told he was valued, he was cherished. I’ve been waiting to be someone’s beloved and I’ve only been hurt that much deeper. I’ve been lost all my life.
Bringing the Dead to Life
The road ahead is one many cities have faced after wartime. It’s one many men and women have endeavored successfully before me. I’ve identified what is dead, has been for some time, and needs to be brought back to life through embracing the truth. I am and will continue to walk through this with my parents, asking for their help and advice along the way. And I know I’m fortunate that they both are more than willing to dole out both. However, ultimately, I need to seek the truth of my Father. It’s time I embrace fully the analogy my dad has provided for the true Father. While I carry my dad’s last name and the name my parents gave to me, my name was written out for me before time by my Father. I was His beloved son before I was ever a twinkle in anyone’s eye. And I’ve never disappointed anyone really, but especially not Him. He’s always been and always will be proud of who He’s made me.
Where do you find yourself today, dear friend? Are you downcast? Are you demoralized from years or even decades of bombs being dropped on your soul? Have you given up worth? Take heart. You were never made to think so lowly of yourself. Reject this lie today. Embrace the Love that has always been there for you as I’m finding out myself. There are pitfalls in life. There are snares and bombs. While I won’t deny any of this, there has also always been your Father. His love is wider, deeper, longer and broader than any crater that can be blown in your heart or any hole into which you can fall. He’s been waiting to tell you about His love. Desperately. What’s been holding you back? Does it still need to?