I don’t want to know her; I don’t want to take the time [to know her].
I know it’ll lead to heartache.
I don’t want to open up.
What’s the point?
Always the same result.
But is it me? Am I the cause?
What does this say about me?
What does it say about who I believe You are?
Where is my heart still broken?
What am I missing?
Where is the change [that needs to happen]?
Is it something?
Or a complete paradigm shift?
Do I need major heart change, surgery?

It’s mornings like Sunday and notes like those above that make me glad I carry around my tattered notebook in my back pocket. Maybe it’s trying to take stock of twenty-six years of journeying. Perhaps I’m feeling a tinge older. Whatever the reason, here’s where I’m at today. Here’s what’s churning around my jumpstart mind this brisk morning. However, what’s important is where these questions are leading me. What’s important is I see some obvious room for improvement, and I see where I’ve been off-track in my thinking for as long as I care to remember.

Piecemeal heart change

I’ve always been looking for the next piece of my heart that needed to change. Haphazardly, I’ve gone about looking at heart change as if each piece of the puzzle, each piece of my unbreaking heart was the puzzle itself. Mistaking the forest for the trees is no way to become whole again. This is no strategy at all, this is the wayward journey.

Heart change with a plan

What I realized yesterday afternoon is that heart change (by the grace of God) will happen even haphazardly, but it can only get us so far until we see the bigger picture. Change can only become complete when we see that change as leading us to our ultimate goal. Change only becomes meaningful when we acknowledge God in our innermost being and stop trying to put up the walls of insecurity. Change is only consuming when we stop looking for the next last piece of the puzzle, and instead accept the puzzle for the lifelong journey it was always meant to be. Things like letting go of my right to be understood are good, but alone will never make me whole. No, God thankfully made the heart far more complex than that.

Change was never meant to make us better people, better friends, better potential soulmates. No, heart change, true change, is meant to bring us into a more intimate and fulfilling relationship with God. Those other aspects are mere mile markers along the way. Sure, we should all strive to be better people, but what does that amount to a hundred years from now? And like all things that matter, change doesn’t happen overnight. Change isn’t bought, delivered by some change fairy, or realized from a single micro-adjustment. Change, lasting, fulfilling change, is only realized through a concerted effort to draw closer to the Loving Father who is helping us every step along the way. And it is only accomplished through His help and guidance one step at a time. Hallelujah.