Revisiting the questions. Admittedly, I haven’t being doing the homework I assigned. However, from what I have finished, I realized my deepest fear is being left alone, abandoned by those who I love most. It’s a crippling fear that stymies relationships of all kinds, especially my relationship with God. I don’t know what that might look like, but I’d imagine that place would be hell. So, I distrust to my core.
Peel back the layers. The truth is, I’ve been hurt too many times by too many people in too many different capacities. I’ve had my heart wrung and smashed violently like crystal upon the rocks of love. And I am often too blind by fear of the pain to see beyond it. I’ve carried around the agony for years, like a lead weight in my chest. I have walked into the jail cell of safety and security and wallowed in my hopeless, safe seclusion.
“And he lifted up his eyes on his disciples, and said: ‘Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh. Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you and spurn your name as evil, on account of the Son of Man! Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven; for so their fathers did to the prophets.'” Luke 6:20-23
Connecting the dots. What I heard echoing in these poignant verses is that the Kingdom is for those who’ve been broken, bruised, crushed and trampled. The Kingdom is reserved for those who’ve abandoned themselves to love and carelessly run from safety. It is for those unafraid to feel, in all the spectrum of emotions. It is for the meek, not the cautious. It is for the crazy, those who believe that through it all, God is strong enough to keep them upright. The Kingdom is made up of those who dare to endeavor the trust fall, letting God be bigger than any heartbreak or circumstance.
Daily, we have a choice between safety and danger. Every day, we can retreat into the solitary confinement of security or we can fling ourselves headfirst into the wild uncertainty that is God. We can embrace the stuffed toy of American Jesus, or we can be overwhelmed in the sea of grace of Yahweh. I’ll tell you, friends, I’m tired of the boyfriend Jesus that’s cute, hair perfectly quaffed, predictable. Give me pain. Give me the rocks. Because once the pieces of your heart have been put back together, you’ll always find extra rot that you never knew you were carrying around. However, I can’t trust a god I can fit my arms around with such a task. No, I need a big, wild God who He Himself is abandoned to love. Because, Christian, hearts will shatter.