I feel like an old man. It’s 8:20 and I’m completely exhausted. I will say, it’s been a long day with not getting to bed early last night and working this morning. This idea of rest is seemingly more important and pertinent than I thought.
I’ve lived the past five semesters with the mindset that I could not run myself into the ground, I could go and go without feeling the effects. WRONG! My summer was the epitome of that. On average, and I kid you not, I got an average of 5 hours of sleep a night. On a good night, I got 7 hours, but these were few and far in between. I admit, the ability to function despite that was a true gift from God. I can’t keep that pace any longer. I spent 10 weeks straight at that pace and in some fashion, I tried to carry it on through last semester and into this, but my body is saying enough is enough. I am not God, I need rest. I am finished trying to take on the world as it were. I need sustenance and part of receiving that sustenance is admitting that I need it to carry on any further. Yeah, I think I’ve reached that point. It’s a great thought, taking on the world, but I was doomed from the outset. I’m not exactly stocky to begin with, so I’m at a huge disadvantage haha. No, but seriously, I was never designed to live a life in which I was taking it on single handed. I was made for this divine romance where my salvation and my sustenance are found when I look to the cross. When I view my life and struggles in light of the death and resurrection of Christ, whom I believe to be my Savior, I find strength and refuge. It is when I am able to submit to this benevolent indentured servitude under the kind master, that my life actually resembles just what life was initially meant to look like. In the beginning, the wills of Adam and Eve were free, but their free wills aligned perfectly with God’s. What made God happy made them happy as well as they knew no sin. There was a glorious and holy harmony that existed in the Garden. I believe that in our lives are glimpses of this perfect alignment of wills. In light of Romans 12:2, our wills at that very moment, being aligned with God’s, our will is good, pleasing and perfect. This is only for a split second, but this thought to me is mind-blowing.
I got a text from a friend today who said that John was telling her how genuine a Christian I was. My initial reaction was embarrassment. I’m sure that anyone who knows me knows that I am a common fraud. I do not go out of my way, nor do I put myself out there for this cause. I wanted to run and hide, because I feel that I have led them both astray, John most of all. I am nothing to talk about, let alone veritably rave about here. I have been to John, or tried to be in all honesty, what I perceived John could use, hopefully most. I simply gave him someone to talk to and have spiritual conversation with from time to time. Now I hear he’s going around calling me a genuine Christian and I am afraid that I must disagree with the man, despite how intelligent and perceptive I believe him to be. My secondary reaction, overcome rather soon by the primary was feeling flattered, but again that was short lived.
This may sound strange coming from someone studying computer science as his major, but the world today is simply moving too fast for its own good. Each and every day, I find myself wishing there were more hours in a day. Why do I wish this? It is simply because there is too much that I feel that I need to do each day for it ever to fit in the confines of 18 hours, let alone 24. Everything these days has to move at the speed of light and even that’s becoming too slow for some things. I find myself constantly bombarded with information, news and opinions that I, as Chris said yesterday, am forced to sift through it all to decipher what is valuable and what I should hold onto and what I just need to disregard. This has become the key to a successful day to day existence. There simply isn’t enough time in the day to go through it all, so I am forced to choose what small portion of it that I will actually pay my attention and time in exchange for the information of sorts contained within the various packages, from email to tv to newspapers and the list goes on endlessly. Let’s just slow down and live life at a pace attainable and sustainable by humans, because that’s what we are still, right? I mean, I think I am a human, but I’m expected to live at a pace only attainable by light. Is there a red flag going up here? I am a human and even the fastest can move at maybe 28–29 miles per hour. I am no Olympic sprinter, but for the sake of argument I’ll say that I am. Even being an Olympic sprinter, I can move at less than 1/20,000 the speed of light. Ok, now I know a red flag has to be waving now. We, as a society are driving ourselves into the ground and want to achieve that feat sooner and sooner. Why do we think people get burnt out so fast in life, have midlife crises, or have many other stress and/or mental issues? It’s simple. We are killing ourselves from the pace we try to keep, that we were never meant to live at in the first place. How about just slowing down, resting, relaxing from time to time and possibly, I don’t know, even enjoying life on occasion? There is hope…
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” — Matthew 11:28–30