This is coming far later than I had planned towards the end of last week. I was actually really looking forward to posting this past Friday or Saturday at the very latest, but such is life. I don’t think a ton has happened since my last mini-post, so it shouldn’t make too much of a difference.
Last week ended rather well with few hiccups or other events making life significantly less enjoyable. There was an issue that had been swimming around the stormy ocean of my mind and I think I finally was granted some clarity through a conversation with my dad Friday afternoon at work no less. I really do value those times when he and I sit down and have a true heart-to-heart conversation, because I’m still trying to figure out in earnest, who this man is. This pursuit is made much more difficult however when I realize that I still have no clue who I myself am.
I realized from the conversation and following revelation of sorts that while I claim to be open to questioning my habits and beliefs, I still hold on to certain relationships in my life despite knowing in my heart that I want for things to change, making that relationship less valuable to myself than it could be. My point of view may sound rather self-centered, but to talk about the other person would be nothing more than speculation so I simply avoid the great unknown as it is to me. I am afraid of losing friends, of feeling left behind because I feel that changing the dynamics of a relationship could alter it so radically that the person no longer wants to be my friend, no longer thinks I’m valuable enough to keep around and then I’m just left sitting in their dust. The truth of the matter is that if they no longer want to remain friends, then the relationship was broken to begin with and is not something I need to hold onto in the first place. This life is far too short to worry about faulty relationships that don’t build us up and glorify the one who ordained the relationship in the first place. This means we must be willing to sacrifice friends as well in the name of advancing the kingdom in the world and in our hearts. If we are to be filled with the Spirit, then there is no room for that which brings death and destruction. Relationships, all relationships take a significant amount of work. If my relationship with someone doesn’t require work, or I don’t believe it could use some work in one area or another, then I am either lying to myself or I don’t genuinely care about that relationship or person, probably even both. I know I have my work cut out for me, but I’m only doing what’s been laid out before me. I’ve been given the tools, the energy and I will be given the opportunity. What more could I ask for in this pursuit?
“He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.” — Psalm 23:3–5
I feel a little cut off from Christian community when I am home, therefore I liken being home a little to the valley of the shadow of death from the passage, but He is everything I need and more. I have nothing to fear, because He is the Great Provider and I will never be left wanting, no matter the circumstances. I wish I could remember this more often.
I also feel like I’ve been experiencing a bit of a drought musically on top of the spiritual strain. One of my favorite and best releases is just playing and writing music. I haven’t been doing much of either, especially the latter. I am wasting a gift, one of oh so many. I guess it comes down to a bit of a time management issue, but it’s deeper than that I feel. I think I am becoming both apathetic and self-centered as I come home everyday and do something for myself, eat dinner and then either continue the trend or maybe talk a little with my mom or sister. This isn’t satisfying, nor is it where I believe I should be right now. I just don’t know what He wants for me right now. But, am I seeking Him earnestly..?