And it’s Monday, but not a typical one. Thank the Lord for good moods and His grace. For whatever reason, it probably had something to do with the Bible study prep material that I was doing while working, I was in the best mood leaving work. This Study, strangely and providentially, follows the material of Sunday’s sermon and subsequent quiet time almost perfectly.
There is so much about God and the Christian lifestyle that I have gotten so screwed up in my head that it’s a little scary, honestly. In his book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Peter Scazzero I think points out something often overlooked, something that I have certainly missed. He points out that the way we view spirituality and God has a lot to do with how we were raised and our family background. I view God in light of always trying to appease my parents, seeking approval and affirmation, therefore I feel that I must “perform” to please God. I do not see Him as accepting me regardless and not becoming disappointed in me when I do the wrong thing. I am so afraid to screw up in my spiritual walk that it looks more like an infant’s crawl. It’s rather pathetic I will admit. I am so paralyzed by this fear that there is no hope of me espousing the true lifestyle I am called to lead. I am to be loving RECKLESSLY, which I realize carries a negative connotation. However, by reckless I mean that if I am truly filled with the Spirit of the God whom I claim to worship with my whole heart, then by God being love, I should be filled with love and overflowing that showering it on all with whom I come into contact. I don’t. That really is the long and short of the state of my heart. I keep it guarded as I will admit I’ve been hurt brutally in the past. I don’t wish to blame those who hurt me as hurt is a natural part of life that is necessary so that we may learn to love more wisely, but nonetheless as the word suggests it does create pain. I have and continue to put my faith in things that were never meant to have that faith, but there God is on the sidelines, in a sense, where I put Him waiting for me to return to the only true love I have ever known. Sure, my parents love me but the love which comes from them is very different. I can keep secrets from my parents, whereas I cannot do the same with God. There is a part of me that wants to question if my parents would still love me the way they do if they knew all that I had done, but I know that situation does not exist with God, because there is nothing I could even attempt to hide from Him. I have to say that this is an incredibly scary thought, but after reading through that Bible study, I feel like it’s been pretty well confirmed that He loves me still. What have I done to deserve it? I think the answer to this question is the most reassuring and uplifting in all of life’s questions. He loved me so much before I was ever conceived that He sent His Son to be a sacrifice so that He could share an eternity with me. I am worth just that much to Him. I don’t know about you, but I cannot put a price on that.
Totally unrelated, the Super Bowl last night…I have to say the better team won, but the Cardinals put up an impressive fight. The commercials for the most part were sub-par. Strange enough, I got more enjoyment from the game than I did the commercials as a whole. Oh, and I’m not even going to get started on the car commercials…
Well, it’s class time so that would be my queue to leave I guess =/