Admittedly, this is a post, though completely unplanned, I know I don’t want to write. This is a post that gets to a place that is a little too close to the chest for my comfort. It tells all too much about my soul and my misconceptions of the Holy. This is a post that when I finish, will remain unresolved because that is what it is currently in my life.
The scariest thing a person can tell me is, “you seem put together,” or some other nonsense like that. I appreciate the sentiment, but you obviously do not know me in the least. First of all, I’m 23 and I don’t believe someone my age really can have anything put together in any sense when you get down to it. Second of all, I am a complete and utter mess. This is something I am beginning to come to terms with as I compose this. Once again, look back at my age and then just take a cursory glance at my past. Between the two of those, you’d see that I am in desperate need of a Savior and probably some good counseling.
I’m sure at this point you’re wondering what is so stinking important about what I’m saying here, and it’s this: I don’t trust God to provide. I do not believe down to my very core that He has the love for me to supply the necessary acceptance, affirmation and affection. I know that He can, but I do not trust His motives to continue to pursue a hellion in constant rebellion against the very thing I want and need most. Therefore, I seek it desperately in relationships of all sorts, but primarily in those of the romantic variety.
So, I’ve been in few actual dating relationships, which would seem to invalidate my claim, but I feel it actually strengthens it in this case. What I mean is that while I’ve not had many dating (boyfriend-girlfriend) relationships, I have been involved with a few females. Most of the time, I have gotten physically and/or emotionally involved with a girl and then before things got serious, I backed out because I realized commitment was not was I was actually seeking in that relationship. Most of these relationships, I played the part of stereotypical jerk and wanted only to fulfill my own needs and then left when I felt sufficiently content or guilty. Sometimes they ended in me just walking away thinking I was satisfied, other times, I just felt…dirty. Even today, I come face to face with a relationship and I cannot help but squelch it before it has began because of all I hope it will provide for me. However, I know this as just a fallen aspiration.
How broken am I? Writing this, I am disgusted and want to say that this is not me, but it is. So many times have I tried to distance myself from my soul, but that is both physically and metaphysically impossible. This is who I am and who that person is is a doubting Thomas seeking proof that Jesus actually died on the cross and that His death was enough even for myself. Maybe it was enough the first few times I sinned, but how can it be now?
“Consequently, he is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through him, since he always lives to make intercession for them.”
Hebrews 7:25 asserts that He, Jesus, is able to save to the uttermost or at all times. I suppose this means always, but through everything? However, I see no qualifications or fine print. The author seems to say that Jesus rose again from the grave so that no matter what I did, I could still be saved and cared for regardless. Maybe God intentionally added those passages describing Himself. God’s love and forgiveness is abundant, despite my shortsightedness. He wants nothing more than to rain down His love in a deluge of grace and mercy.
The bottom line is that no one can ever provide for me in the everlasting way that God can. No one has the capacity to do all that He has already done and, being that He’s unchanging, will continue to do. Maybe I just don’t understand the words good and perfect, but what in this world is either, let alone both? God is far better than I give Him credit for and I am so thankful He’s not given up on me yet. Hopefully someday soon I’ll be granted understanding.