One day workweek. I really love the fact that I can walk to church each week. Yesterday was one of the few times I was early enough to take advantage of this privilege. As I walked up the street, iPod in tow, I realized why that walk was so particularly enjoyable. I realized why I felt like I needed that walk before getting to my preferred place of worship. It’s because that walk represented a brief respite from the other 6 days of chaos and mayhem that my life is. That walk was the first break I’d taken from the rat race that my life so easily slips back into.
A life without solitude. Even when I’m taking it easy, I can’t seem to take even the least bit of time and spend some quality time alone with my Maker. It seems that in those down times, I’m too spent to begin to take stock of my heart and I can’t possibly be bothered to work on anything in my life that may have come up in the past week. The promise of telling myself all is well is too tempting in the moment and so I scurry off, busying myself with a new tv show, a movie or some other mindless entertainment.
Sleepless nights. Inevitably, this is where the ignoring leads you. The thoughts that have been pushed back down eventually make their way to the front of the mind again, but at the least opportune time. Nights become shorter as I’ve found myself more often than not tossing and turning. Days blur into one another and fatigue, a mind, body and soul sort, sets in. But “I’m fine, I’m fine,” I continue to reassure myself. At some point in the cycle, I know, however, that I am anything but.
Awkward silence. It’s at that recognition that I quickly turn to God, but while I may be glad that I spent some time with Him, I am very aware that the time felt unfulfilling. They’re awkward, clunky and filled with the garbage I’ve been carrying around for the past however long it had been. However, this time, by definition of relationship as I’m told and have come to believe this spiritual life is to be, cannot be fulfilling. What the time lacks is listening. The time lacks humility, as my needs and wants are still front and center in my mind. The time is spent me focusing on fixing only myself, not the relationship I’ve ignored. And my soul knows this.
Always on the go. There are so many opportunities out there that I have trouble focusing. There’s always a new one shining bright with possibility in my eyes and so I foolishly run after it. Always left behind is the relationship with God that has become tattered and worn. It’s lost it’s luster of novelty and so I am quick to throw it aside each and every day. Sure, I may write a post one day and I may have brief quiet time the next morning, but by and large, my days are bereft of any sign that I live in grace and love. I am a Christian in name only.
If you think this post is about me, friend, you’re not looking far enough. This post is meant to show you that we all have similar struggles whether we are Christian, Muslim, deist or atheist. Our priorities will always be something we’ll be reevaluating. However, accepting Jesus as your Savior doesn’t fix that problem. It doesn’t make you that much closer to perfection, but it’s certainly helped me to find the next step along that path. Don’t worry, I’m pretty far away at this point, don’t let anyone else, spiritual or not, tell you differently. Yet, if we do call ourselves Christian or seeking God, shouldn’t we be actively spending time in that pursuit? Shouldn’t we be scheduling time working toward that end? We shouldn’t suffice for a one day workweek.