Today was an interesting day. For me to actually blog, I feel it must be. Work was…OK, so work has nothing to do actually with this post. I looked at an…we can forget the petty back story as well. I was on my way to the house where I’m staying when it happened. I looked away for a split second and the next thing I know, I see a black sedan (Chevy Malibu, I think) careening across a lane of traffic and crunching into the concrete dividing wall. I slowed and my heard and head both pounded simultaneously arrhythmically. It was a scary sight. Yet, being one of, if not the, closest vehicle to the crash, I did not stop. A car had just gotten mangled right in front of me from its interaction with a larger sized commercial truck and all I could do was avoid the debris scattered across the roadway…
Immediately, I was seized by my response, or the lack thereof. Sure, maybe I wasn’t exactly the best witness there, but I at least could have had the presence of mind or even decency to have made a simple emergency call. I could have stopped to see if anyone was in a life threatening situation that could have been aided, but NO. None of the above were even contemplated until I was safely out of harm’s way.
I could go on about my lack of response, but that would only serve to be self-deprecating and would serve no one in the end. Instead, I will return to the reasons for why later and move on with the plot.
I was a good couple miles down the road before conscious thought reentered my feeble and shaken mind. I started to panic at my disregard and contemplated turning around, but then I saw an ambulance jetting in the direction I had just came from and realized that would be a bad idea. Then, I quickly shifted to thinking about what I needed to take away from the experience, once again my brain racing. Then, it hit me.
I know I am very guilty of this and I feel I may not be the only one, but I was using my logic and rationale to avoid the emotional nature of the event that had just occurred. There is an emotional response we have to bigger events that I realized in that moment I could not just reason and rationalize away. I needed to own my response in all its components. I needed to feel the fear, experience the rush of adrenaline, delve into the depths of sadness that in this broken world come from the realization that there are awful things that happen that were originally never meant to. This last point brings about a score of emotions, but at that moment the primary one was sadness.
I let go. I took the fall and just let go in this instant. “Come now, just let it go. Let it fall down. Let it all flow like the water that’s rushing in over your soul ‘till there’s nothing left. Won’t you come to Me and rest?” — “Rest” by Nevertheless
In case you may have been wondering, yes, I had pretty much planned this out on the rest of the ride home, but I couldn’t tell you a word that I had in my head. Now that I got that out of the way, my takeaway from the situation. One, I’m far too far from God throughout the day. My life should be a constant prayer to, an ongoing conversation with, God. It’s not at all. I am far too comfortable with meeting with Him a few seconds a few times a day at meals and when I go to bed. My life resembles that of an estranged tenant. “Hey there, just checking in. Later!” That’s pretty much my interaction with God throughout the day and that’s just deplorable and sad.
Two, I am not who I claim to be. I am no good Samaritan. I am no saint looking to help any and all in need. I am the guy who sees need and his first concern is his own safety and comfort. I am wrapped up in this tiny world in which I live, population: me. Life, while rather unassumingly so based on outward appearance, revolves in its entirety around myself. I am consumed with my “needs” and desires.
Finally, and possibly most importantly, life on this earth is completely and utterly uncertain. I do not know whether tomorrow will bring about a new dawn or if I will be in a freak car accident on my way home from work and my life will be required of me. Frankly, I don’t know that I won’t die before the next keystroke and I won’t be able to finish this novel-length blog post. There are millions of possibilities for each instant of my life and I cannot predict what the next moment will bring, so I need to plan accordingly. I’m not dead yet, so I need to live this life like I could be. I’m not saying that I need to live every day like it’s my last, because that could in some cases lead to licentiousness. Instead, I wish to live each moment in such a way that I would not regret it if it were my last or one of my last. What is it that I’m living for? Who am I doing this for? If I can answer those two questions and be proud of that answer, then I feel that this life will be well lived and worthwhile.