I have to admit, I felt prompted to write this post and I’ve been fighting it since that thought entered my mind yesterday. I don’t want to let you into certain struggles in my life. I don’t want to let you into the unfinished mess of my heart, but I alluded to a conversation two weeks ago and a prayer that helped get me through the first few days after that conversation. I’m here to let you into that conversation and where I’ve been brought since.
“It’s not enough,” the words rattled my bones as I sat in the shockwave of a response that felt like a small nuclear bomb. I knew that’s what she’d say, but hearing her tell me that the lack of certainty I was offering wasn’t going to cut it for her in a relationship immediately sent me into self-preservative shock. And I fought the loud echo, “You’re not enough,” bouncing off the rafters of my skull. It stung. Badly.
“Abba, I abandon myself into your hands. Do with me what you will. Whatever you may do, I thank you. I am ready for all: I accept all. Let your will be done in me and in all your creatures. I wish no more than this, O Lord. Into your hands I commend my spirit. I offer it to you with all the love of my heart, for I love you, Lord, and I will give myself, surrender myself into your hands without reserve, with boundless confidence, for your are my Father.” — Charles Foucauld
God, I don’t know why You’re putting me through this, but I’m going to follow. Well, I’m going to do my best. And it’s hurt. Truthfully, everyday I’ve felt the sting of the breaking of that relationship. For a relationship that wasn’t a relationship, wasn’t labelled a relationship, it sure stings like one.
However, it’s forced me to question what I love most. And nine days out of ten, it’s not God, but what He’s given. Those nine days, I choose comfort without a second’s thought. Nine days out of ten, I want to settle for the lie that someone else will make me whole; I don’t want to fight for the wholeness that only God can offer, can promise. It’s a lot harder to settle for this, though, when “she” isn’t around. It’s a lot harder when it’s just you and God. And therein lies the blessing of the last two weeks.
Driving home from Erik’s brother’s wedding, in spite of how completely enjoyable it all was (possibly the most fun I’ve had in a wedding weekend), the burning hole that screams “I want that partner, as well” is still painfully vocal. Despite knowing what I know, learning what God has taught thus far, there is the ever-present pang that wants to cut me down at the knees, drag me kicking and screaming from the wholeness I so desperately crave, need. However, I can’t tell you if I’m convinced that wholeness and this particular relationship are mutually exclusive. Maybe I’m being too honest, but here’s my heart. I see maybe the next step, but as far as this relationship’s concerned, I have no clue beyond that. And so I must surrender myself completely, abandon my heart, to my loving Father. Because if nothing else, He is good.
What is it for you that’s got your heart in a bind? What is it that you’re struggling with currently? Where do you need guidance? Where do you need to see God’s goodness in action? I encourage you to be honest and open about it. Even if, especially if, it hurts. Relationship? Job? Child? Sickness? Share it with those around you. Share it with God. Abandon yourself to prayer. Abandon yourself to Abba, loving Father, caring Dad. Let Go(d) today.